help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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