In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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