You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
