My Higher Power is John Stamos
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
