Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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