I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
