She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
