even my farts smell like vagina
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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