did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
