I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Randomize
