yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
