Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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