Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Randomize
