I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Randomize
