1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
