Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I have post one night stand depression
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