p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
