How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Randomize
