I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
