Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
