Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
