Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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