So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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