The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
