He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
