I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
