she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
