White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
