i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Randomize
