if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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