I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
