everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
