I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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