He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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