your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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