The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
