Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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