I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
