i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
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