He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
