Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Someone came in the potted fern
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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