when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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