I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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