Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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