I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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