It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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