One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
