Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
