My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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