alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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