I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
